Dealing with stress and discouragement.

The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy and gathering together of family and friends. It is great when everything is going well and you do have a family and lots of friends to join your parties and celebrations.


But there are lots of people out there who do not have such blessings. Lots of people are alone, abandoned by family and they have no friends. And this happens regardless of social status, in every town and country and even worse, among the people in the church. You can be surrounded by people and still feel all alone because you do not feel accepted and understood.


And then there are the people for whom everything is going great and all of a suden a tragedy cuts through the middle of the “joy” and brings unspeakable sorrow. Someone in the family dies unexpectedly, someone in the family does something unforgivable, you have a terrible loss, etc. Any of these things can crush your “joy”  and your holiday celebrations are practically over in a second.

So how do you deal with it? What do  you do?

For the children of God is a matter of choice and faith.

Number 1. Do I believe God through the circumstances of my life no matter how “bad” they look?

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” (ROMANS 8:28) (nkjv).

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” (PSALM 23:4) (nkjv).

“No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13) (nkjv)

I could go on and on listing scriptures of the promises of God in our behalf. We all know them don’t we? But do we believe them when it comes to the moment we really need to! These moments are the ones that test us! Everything gets tested! So this is first; believing. Because if you do not there is no use going on.

But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.” (HEBREWS 11:6) (nkjv).

It is imperative to know that it is your choice that determines your outcome in this life. And a life without God and a close relationship with him is no life it all. Not on this earth or in the life after.

Number 2. The second choice I want to talk about today is the one we make when we are hit with “bad news”. You know yourself and know how you usually react when this happens. First comes the shock, you might go into denial. I remember when I got the news that my father had died of a heart attack when he was only 57 years old. I got the phone call at 3 am and went back to bed in disbelief. I could not cry and tried to go back to sleep! Of course I could not and finally got up and started packing for my trip to go be with my family.

Another way some of us react is to start doubting the love of God for you. This is the ultimate goal of the enemy! Because he will do anything for you not to believe that God loves you. The way the devil got so many angels to follow him when he got thrown out of heaven, was to convince them that God is unjust. Have you ever struggled with those kind of thoughts? Oh I have! So here is choice No, 1 again! Do I believe what God tells me or what the devil tells me!

Choices, choices, choices! It is all up to you!

I was listening to the Scriptures today and I found something wonderful!

In the Old Testament of the Bible we have the history of king David. In 1 Samuel chapter 30 he had quiete a stressful situation going on. He had gone to battle and while he was gone, some of his enemies came to town and took it. They also took the women and children captive. When he came back with his men, everyone was mad a David. They even wanted to stone him because they blamed him for what had happened. This was not the only “bad” thing that was happening to David now! King Saul was perusing him to get him killed! He even had to pretend to be insane to save himself! So I would say he had more than enough reason to say he was stressed and enough reason to be discouraged. Would’t you say? But instead this is what he did:

 “Now David was greatly distressed, for the people spoke of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and his daughters. But David strengthened himself in the Lord his God.” 1 Sam. 30:6 (nkjv)

David STRENGTHENED HIMSELF IN THE LORD HIS GOD! WOW! Even after all of the stuff he was going through, David still believed God! And his choice was not only to believe God, but to  take his strength from Him! Was that enough? Did that do the job? You better believe it!

I have been living this in my own life. If you know me and you are familiar with my story, you know my experience with extreme depression. This would have been a very difficult holiday season for me if I did not have God to chose. It would have been an impossible holiday season for me if I had not chosen to strengthen myself in the Lord my God.

What is your choice? I highly recommend God. He will never let you down, and he will never abandon you. His love is enough.







CHOOSING is the only thing that God expects and demands from his children. God does not expect you to save yourself or to earn your salvation, his grace, his acceptance, his love, or any of the things he offers you. On the contrary! God knows that in our own strength we are incapable of doing any of these things. That is the reason that He gave Himself to us and did all of it for us.

But you know that there is god and evil that surrounds us at every turn. We cannot escape it as long as we are in this world. In these later days the lines that used to make the differences between good and evil clear have been blurred by the indifference of the children of God. There has been an acceptance of many a thing that before, a child of God, a Christian would never have accepted.  We do not see things as black and withe any more. We see them in many shades of gray, and as long as we pick a gray which we consider is as close to white, we are doing good. Do we not realize that God does not see it that way? To Him, and that is what counts, there is ONLY black and white! Good and evil. There is no in between for God.

God has called us, his children, his beloved to be the LIGHT of the world like Jesus is. To be that we have to be like Him. In which other way are we going to be the LIGHT of this lost world?

I hear people saying how horrible things are going in the world. How it is going from bad to worse rapidly. And it is true! God said it was going to happen! But do you know realize that a big part of the decay of morality and acceptance of sin has to do with the “children of God” not being the LIGHT? If you bring a light into a dark room, the darkness is gone intermediately! Light and darkness cannot coexist in the same place! You either have one or the other.

When the children on God, the church starts accepting evil as good and good as evil, you do not have light any more, it is darkness that prevails. The purpose of God for your life is not only to reach you. The purpose of God for your life is to save  you, to make you his child, for you to know Him, so you can reach others who are lost like you were and they can see the life of God in you; see His light and want it desperately. But the only way for this to happen is if you and I reflect the life of Jesus in our daily lives.  God’s purpose for your life is for you to be a living testimony of His love to others.

Jesus was so different than any body else that some people admired him and wanted to be around him. Others hated him because his life and the way he behaved became a reproach to them. Is your life a reproach to others? Or are you like every body else. It is more comfortable to be like everyone else and get along! Do not rock the boat!

You might say: But I am not Jesus! Really? Don’t you realize that if you are a Christian, a believer, you are supposed to be like Jesus? That is why he gave his life! To transform you into  his image! Than means to be like Him. If you are not, you are not doing the will of God.

It is only like this that you can be a part of the family of God. A son and a daughter os God. You cannot change yourself. You cannot do the good works God has for you on your own strength. Your own efforts and works are rubbish in his eyes. Only God can do his transforming work in your life to make you his child, and them accomplish his purposes in your life. But here we come back to the begging of this short article: You have to choose! This is your part! Choosing!

And if it seems evil to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”

Joshua 24:15

Everything depends from your desicion. What do you choose?


Lord, Save me!!

We’ve had a really busy summer, so much that I have been very distracted and preoccupied. Among so much activity there is no lack of conflict. Situations have come up that that have taken me by surprise and I have been disappointed with some of the outcomes of my endeavors.  Helping people is something that I love to do. It is something that God has put in my heart, and I do it out of His love which he pours unconditionally and without limit. On the other hand, helping does not always turn out like one plans it.

Through all of it my relationship with God has remained intact. But I was getting worn out, burned out and depressed. In other words I started to sink! Do you remember what happened to Peter?


Matthew 14:22-33 NKJV

Immediately Jesus made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side, while He sent the multitudes away.23 And when He had sent the multitudes away, He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray. Now when evening came, He was alone there. 24 But the boat was now in the middle of the sea,[a]tossed by the waves, for the wind was contrary. 25 Now in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went to them, walking on the sea. 26 And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, “It is a ghost!” And they cried out for fear.

27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Be of good cheer! It is I; do not be afraid.”

28 And Peter answered Him and said, “Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”

29 So He said, “Come.” And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. 30 But when he saw that the wind was boisterous,[b] he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, “Lord, save me!”

31 And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

33 Then those who were in the boat came and[c] worshiped Him, saying, “Truly You are the Son of God.”

So that is what happened to me!

I have been living the life of God for 8 years. So I am able to recognize right away when I slip away from it to live a human life. To live a human life is to take my eyes off my Jesus and look at the tormentous sea, consider that I am in danger and give way to fear and panic. Humans live like that constantly. I know very well because I lived like that for 50 years. God’s life is amazing, dynamic, He never stops creating, preforming miracles, acting out life! Just read what Jesus did in the 3 years that He was in public ministry. He had a constant life of purpose, of giving life, of helping people. He was so full of life that He was never needy. That is what the life of God is like.

So I felt I was slipping away form His life and I stopped myself in my own tracks to speak to my Father: “Here I am Father! Save me! I cannot do this myself! You know me! I am your child! I need yo more than ever! Without you I am nothing and can do nothing! Do something to pull me out of this whole I am falling into. I want to see You! Let me see your glory again!

I continued with my day somewhat relieved that God was in charge and I had left it all to Him. I rested in that fact. The next morning I had a long list of things to do and I started early. I had forgotten to turn on my cell phone and went to do it. Right away I got a text from a dear relative. Are you up? She asked.  Yes! I answered. I just forgot to turn on my phone. What’s up? Are you a prophet? She asked! What!? I said. So I called her up. When she answered my call she said, let me send you a picture. So I waited for it while we continued to speak. When I saw the picture I started tu jump for joy and told her: I told you! I told you God was going to make this happen! I cannot tell you the details of what happened to my dear relative because that story does not belong to me. But let this be enough for you to understand: What is happening is way overdue for more than 40 years! In fact it is humanly imposible for this to be going on now! A whole life time has gone by! But now God has brought it to pass! But the most amazing thing to me is that God had told me a long time ago that it was going to happen! When I had told this to my relative, she had laughed with incredulity and told me I was crazy. It kind of reminds me of Abraham and Sara when God told them they would have a son in their old age. Well, this one is just as unlikely. That is, without God! But with Him there is no such a thing as impossible. Nothing is impossible for God!

When I hung up the phone I was in His glory! I was praising Him! Thank you Abba! You are wonderful! You are amazing! I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! Thank you Father!!!!


As if this event was not enough, God did another couple of things the following day to show me how much He cares for me. He reinforced and strengthened my faith and dependence on Him to the extent that all those feelings I was having disappeared completely.

Do you see how it is to live God’s life? It is dynamic! It is active and it affects your every day life in a practical way! Things happen! And they happen in miraculous ways! This is God’s life, and it is the only life I an interested in living.

But then I was tested. God always allows this to happen for 2 very important reasons: 1. God wants me to double check, to probe to me that it is Him doing His wok in me. 2. God wants to strengthen my faith. He wants to make sure than nothing or no one will move me from believing Him because our relationship depends from it. So one night I felt an old illness attack me, and strongly. In fact I could not sleep all night. It continued the following day so I spoke to my Father: “I know that this is not in any way a surprise to you! I am Your child and You know everything about me. You had already healed me from this, so, What are You doing? Tell me so that I can agree with You and follow your lead. Do you want me to go to the doctor and let him preform the next option he had suggested to help me live my life? You know I cannot live like this! Here I am Abba! I trust You!”

That same day I went to do some things with my daughter in Ringwood. I shared with her this testimony and also what was going on with my health. I told her I had left it in God’s hands and would do as He directed. She had seen me suffer with that situation before and told me: “That’s not good!” with a frown on her face. “Oh dont worry!” I said. I am not going to let it go on and on. So I rested in the knowledge that my Father is in charge.

When I was on my way home, I felt a definite  change on the way I was feeling. The bothersome symptoms disappeared and I was fine! That night I slept like a baby!

This is living God’s life! Things happen! I believe, I receive. This opens the gates of heaven for God to show Himself powerful in my behalf. It is God’s promise!:

Romans 8:28 NKJV

28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

This is for every child of God who chooses to believe Him. I sure hope you are one of them. God bless you!


Don’t ever tire of doing good…

Sometimes the good things we do to help others do not turn out like we expected. It just happened to me. I put in so much work and effort to help someone who needed it, I did everything possible to get good results, I spent energy, money, and everything I know how to do this. I was sure it would pay off! But I failed.

It pained me to see my little person’s face of disappointment at the pitiful results of months of work and expense. She thanked me in tears and apologized to me for the results like if it had been her fault. I felt so bad for her! Since we expected the support of church, family and friends, it was hard when only about 30 people showed up. Please do not get me wrong, I am immensely grateful for those that did come. And they had the treat of their lives by the way! The concert was fabulous! So I am not talking about that part of it. In fact my nephew who gave the concert and his mother, were very gracious about the practically empty concert hall and he preformed beautifully for us few who were there.

How do I feel about the whole thing?

I have been tempted on giving up on people, to feel worthless, and to feel that no one cares. I have been tempted to resent people, to close my eyes to the needs I see and never help again. It has been hard for a few days!

And then I heard God’s voice telling me:

DON’T GET TIRED! DO NOT FORGET WHO YOU ARE! And then He brought this scriptures to my mind:

Colossians 3:23-24

23 And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for[a] you serve the Lord Christ.

So I remember Who is my Father, Whom I belong to, and that He is responsible for me!

I have never helped someone with selfish interests. It brings me enormous pleasure to help. Where does that come from!? I am sure it os not from myself! It has to come from God, because without Him there is nothing good in me! So why is it that this has bothered me so?

I am sure God allowed this to happen to show me this lesson and  I am grateful. In fact His grace over me and through me is so great, that I have just invested in helping two people today. All those feelings I had vanished!

His grace is more than enough!



When we came back to Fairview after our absence for 2 years, we bought a house and my desire to garden came back. I had gardened for years before my terrible bout with depression; in fact it was one of the things I did that even then brought me a measure of pleasure. My husband who had been a close witness to my process of coming back to life, was elated to see me doing something I loved so much again. He helped me get all  my seeds and flowers and did all the heavy lifting for me. Our vegetable and flower garden was beautiful.

One of the flowers I chose were red geraniums. These are lovely flowers that I have grown for many years. I picked a couple of very good and more expensive plants. Then when the growing season was over, I hated to have to throw them out. Since geraniums are not perennials they would die as soon as the first freeze hit. Then it occurred to  me! Put them in the garage for the winter by the window and take care of them so they might survive. So we did.

All throughout the winter we continued to water them to make sure they did not die. By the time we could take them back out, they looked pretty bad. They had a bunch of dead leaves and they looked terrible.


But they were alive! My husband put them up on a bench so I could reach them. I took the time to carefully clean them up leaf by leaf and branch by branch. Garden shears on hand I clipped off all the dead branches and got them all free of debris. They looked bare when I was done!


But now they could be free to regenerate and fill up with new greenery and flowers. I feed them and watered them and put them in the warm sunshine. In a couple of weeks this is what they look like:


Isn’t it wonderful? As I was working on the cleanup God spoke to me through what I was doing. A mental picture came to my mind of how God cleans me up from everything that is not good, of the things that hinder my relationship with Him, and of the things that are of no value to my life as His child. Oh the care He takes when He cleanses me! Just like I did with my geranium which had a few tender shoots coming up and were so fragile I could have broken them! But instead I took extreme care to avoid hurting them while I removed the dead stuff. Just like that, and even more care my Father has with me, and with you, when He cleans us up.

And what is His purpose? Just the same as mine with my geranium! So I can give more fruit! What does that mean? It means that then I can live His life to the fullest! Living the life of God in me is radically different to living a human lived life. That is why His cleansing is so important and vital.

I love the way God speaks to me through everything if I am listening. And I am learning to be ready to listen to Him every day and in everything. His voice is wonderful!

John 15:1-8(TLB)

15 “I am the true Vine, and my Father is the Gardener. He lops off every branch that doesn’t produce. And he prunes those branches that bear fruit for even larger crops. He has already tended you by pruning you back for greater strength and usefulness by means of the commands I gave you. Take care to live in me, and let me live in you. For a branch can’t produce fruit when severed from the vine. Nor can you be fruitful apart from me.

“Yes, I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in me and I in him shall produce a large crop of fruit. For apart from me you can’t do a thing. If anyone separates from me, he is thrown away like a useless branch, withers, and is gathered into a pile with all the others and burned. But if you stay in me and obey my commands, you may ask any request you like, and it will be granted! My true disciples produce bountiful harvests. This brings great glory to my Father.



I have to share with you something that is bringing me enormous amounts of joy. I have a schedule for myself every day; every morning I work in my home doing several chores to keep it clean and orderly. I have divided all the cleaning, arranging, etc. plus two different businesses I am involved in so that I am busy all morning and early afternoon before I sit at my computer each day.


While I am working doing the day’s chores, I put a CD of music in my boombox which I have set by a cabinet my husband made me to hold all my music CDs. I have my favorites which I set at hand and play several while I am working.

I love music! My favorite genre is classical, but I also enjoy other types of music as well. I have learned so much about myself and about my Father from music that would fill a book. But during the morning my soul craves to worship Him, to hear about Him and what He is and has done in song.  I put on a CD of the old hymns, and sing along to the top of my lungs.  I feel my spirit lifted in a way only music can do and dance in His presence.


Psalm 149:3 (NKJV)

Let them praise His name with the dance;

Let them sing praises to Him with the timbrel and harp.

Sometimes the lyrics, the words in a song overwhelm my spirit and I end up crying for joy realizing the enormity of the love my Father is and has for me.

Crying woman clutching her head-854201

The love of God is inscrutable! It is infinite! It is immeasurable! No one can explain it! So when I get a glimpse of Him, because LOVE IS GOD, it brakes me. I use the word brake because I have no other word to explain how I feel. It is like if He takes me apart and puts me back together at the same time.

Have you ever let yourself be naked in His presence? Naked in the sense of taking off all of your masks, all of your pretenses, and just be who you really are before Him. Telling Him Father here I am! Here I am before you just as I am. Here I am Father for you to do as you will.

I remember hearing songs like “I surrender all” before, and I could not outer the words! I could not do it because I knew I could not surrender it all! No way! I thought I knew better than God about myself and about  my life and I was afraid of what He would do if I surrendered it all. But then God intervened in a miraculous was in my life when I came to the end of myself and He changed everything. (See My Testimony in this blog to read my story). And after that I could definitely surrender all to Him.

Now I just bask in the joy of His presence as I sing naked before Him, no masks, no pretenses, nothing hidden from Him. His love covers me, cleanses me,forgives me, transforms me, empowers me, fills me with joy!

I invite you to participate in this enormous gift God has for you as well. I am not the only one He loves or has chosen to enjoy this. If you think you can live this life without Him, you are sorely mistaken. Nothing can take His place in your life, NOTHING!




Does it sound conceited? I can just imagine what you’re thinking! Let me try to explain: I had a birthday in March. This was no ordinary birthday to me because I turned 60. Never in my life did I ever think I would ever get here! Neither my mother or my father reached this age! I started feeling “old” when I turned 30 years old. My mother was 29 years old when she died. To me that was the limit of life in any form, the day she died my world ended. So when I reached that age I was sure I was going to die too.

My mother holding me in 1656

My mother holding me about 60 years ago.

I did not mind dying it all, what terrified me was living my daughters without a mother. I knew what that was like, and I did not want them to go through that. I remember that my husband and I had to go to a seminar precisely during the week of my 30th birthday. We had to leave both of our daughters with family because they were not allowed in the seminar which would take about a week in another city. When we left them and we were traveling to the seminar my fear was so bad that I was trembling and Sammy had to stop the car and pray for me. God calmed my fears and we had a pretty good week and the girls were fine when we came back home to pick them up. And nothing happened to me! I did not die!

Our famiy 1978

As the years went by and many things happened in my life, I struggled with the fact of aging. I hated to see the physical changes in my body, and the effects of the passing of time. After my daughters left home and did not need me any longer I sometimes wished I was dead for many reasons. Here is my testimony if you have not read it:

I was deceived by the enemy thinking that dying would free me from all the strife I was confronting in my life. What I did not know is that I could live in victory despite all the strife. That is what God offers those who chose to accept His invitation to be adopted by Him. As His child I have inherited everything God has! That is His promise! :

Romans 8:17 (TLB)

And since we are his children, we will share his treasures—for all God gives to his Son Jesus is now ours too. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.

The day before my birthday I talked to my Father (God) and told Him: “Father I want to spend my birthday with you tomorrow. I dont care if anyone else remembers or celebrates me. I will spend it with You! I want to be like You! I confess that I love gifts, cards, flowers, but if that is not the way you want me to be, please change me! I dont want anything in my life that is not from You.”

The next day I woke up with a song in my heart! I felt His embrace and it seamed that all nature was rejoicing around me. Then I got a message from my brother Chris telling me that he had sent me a gift through Amazon. This was completely unexpected! My family loves me but they rarely give gifts! Then my sister Becky also told me she had a gift for me. I was completely amazed that my Father was not only making my day wonderful with his presence but He also reminded my family to celebrate me and even give me gifts. And the gifts were not just small tokens of appreciation. They are quite expensive gifts! In the past some people have made me feel guilty for having good taste and liking gifts and things like that; that is why I made God that petition that day.


Later that week my husband took me to the city to celebrate my 60th birthday. He took me out to my favorite restaurant where our nephew Jonathan and his beautiful family joined us. It was beautiful! My husband bought me beautiful roses and they all loved on me.


Since my Father saved me not only from sin for eternal life but from all the lies I had been deceived by, I love life! Time is flying by for sure and I see birthdays coming one right after the other faster and faster. I do not know how old I will get to be before He takes me to His heavenly places. But in the mean time I will rejoice in His love and everything He is, pouring over what He bestows upon me every day. I will gladly take everything that comes with aging because I know who I am in Him, and Who I have on my side. I will not fear.

Isaiah 40:28-31(TLB)

28 Don’t you yet understand? Don’t you know by now that the everlasting God, the Creator of the farthest parts of the earth, never grows faint or weary? No one can fathom the depths of his understanding. 29 He gives power to the tired and worn out, and strength to the weak. 30 Even the youths shall be exhausted, and the young men will all give up. 31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Thank you Father for bringing me this far.





















Today, we as Christians celebrate the most wonderful thing we believe in. The resurrection of Jesus Christ our Savior. Without the fact that He is alive nothing else would matter.

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There are many religions in this world. It would take lots of room to list them all! But they all have one thing in common: Each and every one of their founders have died. The followers of these religions relay on the past, only on the past because there is no more to expect. They practice rituals in order to keep their religion alive. That is all they have.

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On the contrary, Christians have a living “Founder” who promised while He was alive that He would rise again after His death on that cross in Jerusalem. Not even His disciples realized it was really going to happen! When they saw Him die they lost all hope! They mourned and wept and hid from the Romans in a panic.  BUT THEN!!!!!!

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Matthew 28:1-(NKJV)

He Is Risen

28 Now after the Sabbath, as the first day of the week began to dawn, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary came to see the tomb.And behold, there was a great earthquake; for an angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door,[a] and sat on it. His countenance was like lightning, and his clothing as white as snow. And the guards shook for fear of him, and became like dead men.

But the angel answered and said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. He is not here; for He is risen, as He said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.And go quickly and tell His disciples that He is risen from the dead, and indeed He is going before you into Galilee; there you will see Him. Behold, I have told you.”

So they went out quickly from the tomb with fear and great joy, and ran to bring His disciples word.

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This morning our pastor said: “This is our day! For Christians, this IS our day!” Yes we love Christmas because that is the day we celebrate His coming, but Easter is a day which is completely unique in its wonder. Christianity in NOT a religion, it is living united with God through the life of Jesus. That changes everything!

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After my last post I received a couple of comments that have made this post necessary. I struggled for a few days with what my response if any should be. At the first comment I responded: “Thank you for your comment, God bless you!” But after a couple of days I decided to remove the comment from my page because I did not want other readers to be exposed to that. I expected it to be over. In the mean time I went to my Father asking Him to intervene in  my life. I know and share all the time with all of you that I am not a perfect person, I am not a perfect Christian, and I am definitely not a perfect writer. If that is what you are expecting from this blog you need to move on.

This blog, my blog, is about a person who had lost hope and chose the worst of remedies, suicide! But God, my Father in His infinite mercy, resurrected me after 10 hours of being dead. I think after that I have something to say! When God promised me He would use what happened in my life for His glory I dared to believe Him. I could have done the natural “human” thing and put on a mask and continued to live like if nothing had happened! One of the things this person told me was that I talk “lightly” about suicide. Lightly? Do I excuse it? Absolutely not! But I went through it in a way no one will ever understand! I was dead! And God brought me back! How can I stay quiet?! I CAN’T! If I do the stones will speak!

I also know that some people might think that I overshare. That some things should remain private. That sharing my struggles and trials is equal to complaining or “telling” on family. How do I make you see that all of us, you and me, are all wretchedly flawed? My hope has been that in sharing those things, you could also see yourself, and by doing so, see how hopeless you are without God. I have hopped that by seeing that you would  accept his adoption, and become His child. Not just to escape hell and go to heaven when you die, but to avoid living in hell now. Life is a hell on earth if you dont have God living in you! Can’t you see? I pray God opens your eyes as you read this. Why waste your time getting your feeling hurt when you read me? Don’t you have a rascal or two in your family? Or maybe YOU are the rascal in your family! Wouldn’t you want to know how to deal with that in a permanent and final way that brings you Peace and complete resolution? This is what I am trying to do!

I used to be such a private person; you can ask the people that know me. But after what happened and what God has done in my life, that ended. Not because I have no shame, but because my shame has been transformed into a testimony of His grace, His infinite mercy, His love.

I am pasting here a response to “Jennifer” (the person who left those comments) from the man who brought me to the feet of my Savior after my suicide. He read the comments she left and he wanted me to share this with you:

Dear person,
I’ve read your comments to Estrella and am glad that you have taken the time to read her blog for a while. Having been directly involved in her story to date, I would like to offer you a perspective that may actually bless you.
Estrella’s blog is not about her, it is about what Love is doing in her, to her and through her; I am speaking of the person who is love: God is Love.
Estrella’s willingness to be transparent about her experiences is in itself a miracle. Is she perfect or better than others? NO! That is not what this is about. 
It is about her learning to receive grace, mercy, forgiveness and love that is transforming the person who once saw no other way but to end it all, into a person who now dares to believe, trust and rest upon the mighty love of the one who has saved her, adopted her and committed to her that the work which he has begun in her life, he will perfect until the day of Christ.
Estrella is not glorifying suicide, she is glorifying resurrection and the one who resurrected her; and in doing that, and sharing in a candid way her own struggles with being transformed, our Father’s faithfulness through it all, and the unquestionable victory that he achieves in our lives as we learn to allow him to fulfill his promise, she becomes the living open letter that love is putting forward in front of the whole world, including you and me.
Who will you give credit to? I pray you will allow grace to reach your heart and bless you and love you so that mercy, faith, hope and love can flow from you to those in your world.
Humanity Transformed.
I also want to make it clear that my blog is not up to discussion. I am not going to engage on fights over belief differences you might have with me. I will not allow anyone to attack my character or my person, not because I am perfect, but because I am not. I am in the process of transformation. God is not done with me yet! If you know me personally and would like to talk, please contact me and we can do that. But do not get into a wrestling match here. I am not going to allow that.

To protect my other readers from such comments I have changed the settings on my site so everyone who wants to leave one has to identify themselves and have their comments approved before being posted.

God is so good! He is! I am so glad He loves me so! Will you let Him love you!


I am celebrating 8 years of this new and wonderful life God has so graciously given to me. Time has flown by so fast that it seams impossible. Many things have happened during these 8 years that I am so grateful for.

About 2 or 3 months ago I decided that it was time to quit taking the antidepressant I have been taking for all these 8 years after the ordeal I went through in 2008. Go here if you do not know what happened:

Like you must know, prescription medications have many side effects and I wanted to avoid them because they were already affecting me. I had been wanting to go back to my normal weight because it was after taking this medicine that I gained so much. I had gained 60 lbs! I did not only look terrible, I felt terrible! On the other hand I also wanted to prove to myself that I did not need that medication any more. I went to my doctor and told him what I wanted to do and he agreed to help me throughout the process. It took us about 2 months or a little more if I remember right. We went slowly so I would not suffer very bad withdrawals. But even so I did have quite a few struggles to surmount. But I did it!

I did not know how it would affect me to quit the antidepressant after so many years. My doctor was concerned that I do not risk another setback. I promised him I would get back on the medication if I noticed myself not being able to handle life without it.

I now realize how the medicine was working. It helped me not to feel so deeply. I was able to live without facing many things. I remember a friend of mine that was going through something tough in her life, and her doctor suggested she take an antidepressant. She refused because she said: “I do not want to lose my ability to feel” I did not get it then, but I do now! I am starting to feel everything! And not all of it is good!

I remember people telling me before when they would see how happy and contented I always was, that one day my feet would touch the grown again. “Not everything is as rosy as you think”. Well, no it has happened! And I am afraid I have landed pretty hard. Do you know why? Because nothing has changed! The world is not only as bad as it was before, but it is getting much worse.

People are as mean and nasty as they could be. This world has not improved in 8 years! Did I expect it to? I dont know! Perhaps I thought that at least the people closest to me would have been affected by what happened to me, and by the enormous miracle God did in my life. I hopped they would let God work in their lives like He is doing in mine. All of us without exception are flawed and broken without Him!  I know it because I lived it to the extreme! For me there are no shades of gray! Either I have God in my life and I live Him daily, or I don’t! And as a consequence I see God working in my life every day and in everything.

I know this is the way God wants all His children to live. What astounds me is to see many struggling along in life without Him. Some even going as far as to say: “I dont want anything to do with God.” And that is choosing DEATH instead of LIFE. Like it or not that IS SUICIDE!

Oh! You can be physically alive and still be dead! And as you walk around, you stink of death for everyone around you to see and smell. What a picture! But that is what it comes down to! What do you choose!?

Now that I have “fallen” back to the grown, I choose LIFE! I choose JESUS! I choose JOY! I don’t care if others refuse to see and run to the only source of everything good and wonderful which is God. And I don’t care if people appreciate the miracle my life is, and the powerful testimony God has given me. I will not go back to the way I was before! I refuse to be dragged back their by bitterness, unforgiveness, and cruel intentions.

I will continue to concentrate on my relationship with my Father who is the only one’s opinion of myself I care about. I will harbor no ill against any one and I forgive each person that has hurt me, been gossiping about me, or that does not like me. And I will continue to share my struggles and victories! Because this is what God has guided me to do to help the ones that want to be helped.

I bless each one of you who have been reading me for these 8 years. And for those that have encouraged me in one way or another. I have always been sincere and honest with my writings. I have opened my heart and my life to you in hopes of being a blessing to someone. This is why I write!

May God’s infinite grace reach you!


  • Estrella Montealegre de Albarran

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